The God-King Told Me To Wait- Art Journal Monday

Art Journal Monday, June 16 The God King Told Me To Wait- Art Journal

It’s been a while since I posted up pages from my art journal or just art in general hasn’t it?

It’s… easier for me to write posts that deal with traveling, because I can ramble on for ages detailing life on the road or the virtues of a specific landmark but art -and especially my art journals- they’re definitely more personal and I always feel that I have to dig that extra inch deeper to come out with something worth saying. And what is it that i’ve dug up from the deep this week? Lets see…

Tumultuous friendships- those that bud rapidly and then just as easily are shed. Also, the Byzantine era, oddly enough? Those two things have nothing to do with one another….or actually they could have so much to do with one another but, at least in my head, they’re at two different ends of the sheet. The first is something i’m generally always dealing with, the second a new interest.  But, progress!  I’ve stopped throwing my shoes at the wall in frustration with people who have a hard time differentiating who they want me to be and who I actually am- and as for my rogue interests, i’ve stopped flipping my wallet open at used book stores just for a chance to feed the addiction that comes from learning new (but generally useless in my everyday life) things. Anyone else nursing budding random interests?

June is bringing with it muggy hot weather here in Texas, but i’m feeling positive about the future and at least I have a great supply of iced coffee in the fridge that is keeping me cooled and caffeinated.

not falling into my coffee cups yet,

Art Journal Monday- The Devil Does Not Wait

lyrics, art journal monday Art Journal Monda the devil calls and I will follow, art journal pages art journal monday, fables and coffee

March is here, and we’re in the ides of it and I made a joke to the bf that now is the perfect time for me to get stabbed in the back by someone. He just shook his head at my inanity and said “no one’s gonna stab you” and went back to half watching an especially wild episode of The X Files.

I have twin desires, the first being to blow past any and all expectations people might have of me, whether thats at work, in my personal life or just driving down the highway and inadvertently starting a race with the Mustang next to me; this drive to push forward in anything I encounter- maybe not to be the best but certainly to get close to it. My other desire? To life a stress-free life in obscurity. You can probably see how very much these two things do not complement each other.

Burning curiosity, I think thats my fatal flaw. Or maybe it’s the callous boredom that follows after i’ve absorbed all the information I can on a subject without trying for a degree in it. Either way, there’s that feeling I get in all my relationships, platonic or not so much, that I exasperate people with a terrible ease and that’s how we come back full circle to the Caesar reference.  Maybe i’m just feeling especially morbid this time a year? I don’t know, I think I probably just need more coffee in my daily life and less stress.

Songs on Repeat- 
Me and The Devil– Soap & Skin
No Angels– Bastille Ft Ella
Adagio for Strings– Bastille Ft. Maiday
Young Folks– Peter Bjorn and John

Still editing photos from the roadtrip I took through the southwest of these United States and currently I have 14 folders with an average of 12 photos, each corresponding to a potential post, plus another folder with misc. photos. So…..I mean….i’ll get there eventually. The trip wore me out in a good way, but then I got sick something dreadful on Sunday and have just recently started feeling better. Work is kicking my ass and the expectations there feel just a knife edge towards overwhelming and my thoughts of running away to Alaska have returned with a vengeance. But for now at least, my desire to face down expectations with a grin and automaton like precision is winning out. Wish me luck dear readers, in surviving this next month with my sleeping patterns intact.

Not drowning in my coffee cups just yet,

Art Journal Monday- What Do You Dream About These Days?

 Slytherin themed artjournal pages

What are your dreams, when you dream- if you dream- what do they resemble? What shapes do they take?

I dream of saints and mountains and the golden flow of time. Those with bruised, dirty feet covered by heavy cloth, mini swirls of dust teased up by the movement of their path. I dream of outer space; the known exciting possibilities and established hard scientific rules….and smash them together with dreams of the fantastical and thoroughly unknown and almost impossible. I lose time on thoughts of deep and dark forests, the peaks of powdery mountains unfurling endlessly in the distance, and the sensation of tiny waves passing over and over at my feet as I stand up against the fury of a nameless ocean with my hands utterly empty at my sides.

dreams of green, art journal pages

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can see notes of music flow underneath my hands as I pass them over the cold keys of my neglected keyboard, sounds both known and not coming apart underneath my fingertips, their composition disintegrating just as they reach completion in someones ears. Colors splash like blood spatter against paper when I trail my hands over my art supplies, and in my head it’s all an endless parade of anything goes and the laws of what is physically possibly by hand do not apply.

Dreams are so nonsensical- until they’re not and then when they make sense, you wonder if you can trust anything at all. They’re hard to explain, and even harder to make into any kind of reality and it’s so easy to get lost in them, the purity they hold so different from waking life.

What are your non-sensical dreams made up of, what basic building blocks of components do they share, if any?

art journal pages, Slytherin themed

Music on Repeat- 

Ave Famy
Giving Up My EchoesBelgrave
Beautiful HellAdna
Til My Heart StopsToo Far Moon
Dreams TodayEfterklang
Deep Shadow- T.T.L 
A Historic Love- Trevor Morris
Opus 36- Dustin O’Halloran


Art Journal Monday- Ageing and Terrible Life Choices

terrible life choices, art pages

I turn a year older next month and i’m not quite sure how to feel about it.

Not that i’m scared of getting a year closer to 30 because, to tell the truth, i’m pretty excited to see what my 30s will bring. Whenever I mention that to friends however, they usually look at me like i’m lying, which, I can understand since i’m a female, that gender raised to fear age from the day we’re old enough to know what aging really means. That fear that is insidious and so very very hard to shake off, and I can’t say it was any kind of easy for me to not let it burrow inside, not with a mother who collected anti-aging creams like they were collectibles and a father who’s romantic inclinations only seemed to encompass the qualities of “younger”.

colored pencil art journal pages

Thing is though, even though next month I will finally be solidly in my mid 20’s, I can’t wait to leave them behind, and I really wish with all my might that everyone older than me would stop telling me to enjoy my youth, to stop cocking their heads to the side in apparent sympathy at my naiveness to think the outrageous thought that getting older is going to be something fantastic. It’s an odd kind of self-hate, at least as it appears to me, to be in your 30’s or edging towards your 50’s and tell me words like “gosh, you don’t know what you’re saying, I wish I still lived in my 20’s”.

Part of it might be a generational thing, or maybe it’s a cultural thing or maybe it’s just the people I associate with. Whatever it might be though, the outcome is the same: me clicking my mouth shut like a steel trap and nodding in agreement as in my head, I ask the same question over and over again.

“Why? Why do you hate aging so much? Is it the idea of death? Of edging closer to being forgotten? Is it the greater possibility of falling to illness? It is the fear of your body no longer giving what it once could easily spare?” 

fables and coffee, art journal pages

If it was any of those things, I would understand and sympathize. But it never feels like it’s any of these things. The sentiment of “youth is wasted on the young” always seemed to come from a place of regret and i’ve yet to meet a single person who has lived even half of a full life express any combination of those words.  The women I admire and aspire to emulate, they revel in their age and settle more and more comfortably in their skin as the years pass and to them at least, their age is not a weakness or something to look on with regret, if it’s even a think to remark on. It is years of experience, of learning, years full to bursting with more and more and more life.

Look, i’ll be honest here and say my early 20’s have been a surreal kaleidoscope off a terrifying mess, and maybe i’m hoping with age I will learn how to keep myself together better. But I don’t exactly expect the next 5 years to be filled with any less of a disaster, because I think I will always be the kind of person who drives off into the middle of the night with a half charged phone and only snacks in the backseat. What I DO expect however, is to approach my 30s with more discipline towards the things I’m passionate about and more temperance towards the people I love.

I want to fill my life with learning, experience and eventually have the kind of face that speaks towards character more than beauty. I don’t want to be the kind of person who tries to instill fear in the heart of the young girl sitting across from me when she tells me she’s excited to get closer to her 30’s, because what does that achieve? I want to be in my 40’s one day and be able to say, “I can’t wait to see what my 50’s will bring.”  And sure, perhaps that makes me come across as unbearably naive- but it’s better than coming off as bitter.

Songs on Repeat: 

Blood BankBon Iver
Make Me Feel BetterAlex Adair
Go Out and Love SomeonePogo
La Mer– (cover by)Julio Iglesias
Fire EscapeFoster The People
RunawayYeah Yeah Yeahs
NovemberMax Richter

Art Journal Monday- These Black Stars and Deadlands

Song lyrics- Far From Any Road, The Handsome Family

Song lyrics- Far From Any Road, The Handsome Family

I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately.

Well ok hold on- before this gets really morbid, let me begin anew by saying, i’ve been thinking about death in that all encompassing and almost annoying way you can get when its 3 in the morning and you can’t sleep and your thoughts begin to go down the path of “i wonder where do we go after it all ends” and then you migrate on over to “is anything eternal, does anything truly linger?”  I wouldn’t presume to think i’m the only one who gets like that when sleep won’t come, thought I imagine that it’s less common with people who get enough rest.

black suns and stars

Here in Texas, the land seems to go on forever sometimes, long stretches of road that fades into the horizon like you’re out at sea and the shore is just a faded memory. I’ve been out there in the dead of night with no cars in sight for hours on end, driving driving driving and it’s at times like that when the idea of eternity seems the most real to me, as odd as that sounds. There’s just something about being behind the wheel of a car, the wide open road yawning forever in front and just pocketed shadows of land surrounding me, containing the possibility of anything. It takes you about 7 hours to just get out of the state, at least from where i’m situated, and trust me, believing in eternity- in the idea of forever – it comes so easy when passing under the shadows of the monumentally enormous grain silos and almost terrifyingly gentle wind farms that span the nothing out there.

lyrics, art journal photography

So why death then, if eternity is what occupies my mind? ‘Cause death holds tightly gripped hands with eternity, you can’t get one without the other even if you tried and I think accepting the idea of eternity is about as easy (or as hard, depending on who you ask) as truly accepting the idea of death, that inevitable end. And when I look out across the small expanse that is my life, I want to know that I am satisfied with what i’ve done, and still utterly hungry for more. And accepting both eternity and death, it helps me with that.

And honestly, most days? I’ll take all the help I can get, no matter where it might come from.

What do you think about, when it’s 3 am and you can’t get any sleep?

far from anyroad, art journal post

Songs on Repeat This Past Week- 

Legions (War)Zoƫ Keating
Nagada Sang DholShreya Goshal
Thrown AwayVast
Can IAlina Baraz, Galimatias
Prituri se PlaninataStellamara
CowardHayden Calnin

Not drowning in my coffee cups yet,
~ m