Thats a hell of a title huh?
Where do I even begin….. well,lets start with, I quit my job.
I’ve never really talked about it in depth here, apart from mentioning that it required me to buy fancy trousers and gave me ample time to listen to lectures and podcasts while I worked. To boil it down to the essentials, it’s a pharmacy office job where I sit at my overly-huge desk, boot up about 10 different programs and spread them out on my two screens to review and type up prescriptions for dialysis patients on my ergonomically correct keyboard thats about 2 sizes larger than a regular keyboard and took my clumsy fingers weeks to get used to. It’s what i’d call a cushy job, with a nice paycheck and lovely hour lunches that I could easily get used to….if it wasn’t for the fact that my brain started shriveling the second I came out of training and had to get through a day by myself.
I’d never had an office job before and I thought…well, I thought it would be great honestly. Compared to the utterly stressful places i’d worked at before, running from one volatile situation to the next, juggling 4 different tasks while also having a phone stuck to my head with a pissed off patient on the other end of the line…I don’t know, it seemed ideal. And it was,it definitely was.
For a while, until it wasn’t.
Untill my insomnia started getting worse and worse and I was running on a collective 4 hours of sleep for days on end, till I realized that I had pretty much alienated all my friends and family and even my artistic pursuits had dried up like dead animal husks in the very harsh desert that my mind was turning into. Untill I realized that I was pretty much neck deep in depression and it was only going to get worse from here on. It took me a good 4 months to realize (and admit to myself) that this isn’t the kind of job I can do. Four months to realize that sitting at a desk all day with just my thoughts and podcasts for company wasn’t all that much better than what I had previously been doing. Sure, the moneys great, but if I can’t even use the art supplies the paychecks enabled me to buy, to read all the books, comics and magazines I could afford to splurge on, whats the point exactly? I’m oversimplifying the situation of course, I could probably draw up a chart and write a 10 page essay on all the factors leading me down into the pit of depression I found myself in but, hopefully, you can trust when I say, it wasn’t the place for me.
So, I handed in my resignation letter last week, and next Friday will be my last day and I don’t have any real clue what my next job’s going to be, or even where exactly i’ll be looking. I have enough money that i’ll be alright for a good bit, and an incredibly amazing and supportive boyfriend who’s made sure I don’t feel like an utter failure (because of course I feel like that half the time) and… and well, I feel better now than i’ve felt in a long time, even if I have no idea what comes next. So that has to be good, right? Maybe it sounds nuts to quit your cushy job when you don’t have an idea of what comes next and no doubt thats probably somewhat true, but I can’t really make myself feel illogical for doing it either way. After all, a mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Moving on to something completely different, with no good segue at all, the new keyboard! Ah jeez, what can I say, a person can’t have enough interests right? Seriously though, sometimes I walk into my studio/office room and I think ” fuck, my heads really a mess isn’t it?.” . The walls here are covered with postcards and snailmail from penpals, posters of Batman, coffee shop menus, fashion photos, maps of cities I haven’t been to yet… There’s a table full of art supplies in front of the window, pilled to overfill with sketchbooks, watercolors, colored pencils, ink pens, graphite pencil sets, sketches and color studies . To the right of that is a wall covered with architecture photographs, piles of magazines (art, lifestyle, architecture, designs and fashion), books and my oft neglected sewing machine. Above is a shelf full of graphic novels, art books and random nerdy nicknacks. Somewhere to the right is a big red Ikea unit that has a basket of my sewing projects, more fabric than I’ll even know what to do with, jars of buttons and ribbons galore. Underneath, more books,names like Dawkins and Sagan peeking out from underneath craft and fantasy books and just about every theres some kind of journal or notecard with stories or poems or lyrics scribbled on them.
And now, to complete the whole shebang, a keyboard. This isn’t an entirely new whim mind you, I used to play one when I was in high school and recently my hands desperately itched to touch one again, so for my birthday a couple of weeks ago the boyfriend went out and brought one home. And now i’m learning basic music theory, because of course I am. Anyways, after that it was pretty easy to say to myself “Yo, maybe you need to give up at least one of your other pursuits if you don’t want your brain to slowly start leaking out of your ears” So I’ve put aside my yearning to learn German (at least for this year) to focus instead on my rapidly declining Spanish skills. ¿Qué más puedo decir, verdad?
Man… I feel like this post is getting ridiculously long and overindulgent, so i’m just gonna say, when it comes to the last part of my title, after coming across some hilarious posts on tumblr and re-watching the new reboot movies, I decided to take a chance and start watching the original series on Netflix and oh gods. I have literally never enjoyed a series more than i’m enjoying this one. Sure, the effects can be cheesy and there’s moments where I find myself yelling at the screen for Kirk to make better command decisions (come on man!Are you the captain or what?!) that I left wonder what i’m doing with my life, but it’s very decidedly, totally my jam.
So yup. Thats where my heads at, where my life is at, and I have really nothing concrete to say about any of it. The one thing that I do know for sure is that i’m taking this next month to just get my shit together. Which will hopefully mean more posts having to do with art, photography, music and less about my mess of emotions and the continual science experiment that is my life, because really, theres only so much you can say about that. Also, i’m bringing back my art journal, since abandoning it when i’m almost done is just shy of insane, considering i’ve been working on it for over a year at this point. And, last but not at all least, I can hopefully begin to repair the friendships i’ve damaged these past 4 months. I might still be digging myself out of this expansive crater of depression but I can at least try and be a better person than i’ve been, no matter how enticing solitude can look from down here.
Life is not meant to be lived alone, and while it can certainly feel easier that way, in the long run i’d rather deal with the dramatics and heartbreak than the oppressing loneliness that comes when it’s 3am, you can’t sleep and there’s no one to call. I’d also very much like to be the person thats called at 3am, even if it’s only to have odd conversations about thought experiments, One Direction and Neil DeGrasse Tyson. So I don’t know, lets see what comes next.
P.S Incase anyone was wondering, yes, that is indeed a Winter Soldier case on my iPhone. Is anyone really that surprised? Also, the shirt picture above is from the podcast 99% Invisible , which is freakin brilliant and everyone should listen to it if they have the chance. Along with Criminal, Invisibilia, Star Talk, Kakos Industries, The One You Feed and of course, Welcome to Nightvale….er, to just mention a few.