It started a little like this :
At times overly-pretentious photographer friend-” Yeah, i’ve been working out a lot lately, 6 days a week. ” *insert terrible selfie here*
Your rather tired and sleep deprived narrator– “Wow, 6 days a week? Thats dedication right there. Nice.”
At times overly-pretentious photographer friend– “Your supposed to say I look good.”
Your rather tired and sleep deprived narrator –” Yeah, I know. ”
And well, after that the conversation spiraled into disjointed words and it ended 10 minutes later with me blocking him on my phone and going to make myself a cup of tea. The thing that gets me here is, I always kinda figured the friendship would one day end this way, and YET, we stuck it out for literal ages out of a misguided idea that we were good for each other, in some way. But we were not. While it might have taken much longer than i’m proud to admit, i’m finally learning how to walk away from friendships that I hoped one day would evolve into something more than they were currently, and trying not to feel bad about it.
Maybe that makes me sound like an utterly shitty person, so let me explain.
I took a pause a couple of months ago and realized, holy-mother-of-gods I have a good number of people who I consider friends ….where the reality is that they see me as either a muse of sorts or, even worse, an idea to lean against for comfort. I don’t mind being the friend you run to when things get bad, especially because I think kindness and compassion are some of the best things you could give to your friends… but… when people see you as this pillar of endless support regardless of how out of control your own life is, thats a bit of a problem. And when it comes to being seen as a muse, the person they turn to when feeling uninspired, that can be so flattering no? What could possible be wrong with that? Nothing really, if thats just a part of how you’re seen. But when your role in someones life is “muse“, full stop, and you had hoped that perhaps you were something more substantial than that, it can easily kill little bits of yourself.
There is a full person behind these words, behind the colors seen from a distance, not just an idea to be used for comfort or inspiration.
I believe everyone has millions of different parts to them, tiny worlds and immense galaxies, whether they know it or not. The person they present to their loved ones vs the one seen by abrasive strangers. The strained smile given out of relief at the end of a hectic morning and the genuine half crazed grin blazed across a face in the middle of an adventure. The love of this vs that, fears and long held beliefs clashing with new ideas. There is so much to people, and when it comes to people who you truly love and care about, I believe it can be the greatest disservice to see them as this one dimensional structure instead of the ever growing organic beauty that they really are. No one is just one thing, no matter how much they might insist they are, and treating someone like a concept created solely for your own enjoyment/betterment, man, it’s the worst.
Anyways, this got a whole heck of a lot more personal than I thought it would but there you are. Also, I should mention that I do actually have some amazing and wonderful people in my life who see me as the walking human disaster I am vs whatever the heck others think. I like to chill out in my empty bathtub when things get really stressful, I am more dependent on coffee than I am on anything else except perhaps oxygen, and I genuinely like getting to know people for the millions of gears working to make the person they are.