( I’ve been on a rather insane U2 kick this past week , going through their albums in random sequences, till I ended up at my favorite, The Joshua Tree, about three days ago. And well, i’ve been there since. There’s a power to the lyrics, the almost unfinished melodies, that just opens me up and shakes me to more honest pieces. )
Unlike everything else I pour myself into, be it prose, illustrations, songs, videos, sewing or journalling, getting behind the camera never felt as intimate as everything else. Not even close. Shimmying on my tummy to get closer to a better shot, my shirt riding up and dirt all over my jeans, lips chapped and hair blowing all over the place, I still never felt as off balanced as when I handed someone lyrics to read over, or even a short audio clip of me singing them. I’ve stood in the rushing tides of Times Square, getting gently bumped and stared at by strangers as I shot some filler footage for a project, and still didn’t feel as exposed as sending someone a sketch I agonized over for hours.
I would never call myself a photographer, not with true conviction. But after spending a year where the only real thing I pursued was the idea of getting better at capturing the moments i’m in, that ever elusive goal of attaining a slice of eternity in one shot, I can say with some certainty, i’m starting to feel myself become personal with this. (This realization, btw, came in the middle of the melodies of Running To A Stand Still, and sparkled my eyes with something I still can’t explain. )
Maybe thats just how it is though. When you pursue something, and give yourself over to it, how long really, till it becomes something you hold dear, in even a small way. Maybe i’m not the easiest person to get to know, at least as i’ve been told, but when 80% of my time is spent creating things I pour all parts of myself into, when my innermost thoughts are continuously being mined for ideas and inspiration… when I scoop up every raw emotion to use as source code for the basis of projects, I can’t imagine there would be much left over for idle conversations. Ah, i’m rambling now I think, or headed there so i’ll just say, photography, you’ve been a fun pursuit and I’m truly excited to see where we’ll go this next year.